


Never Alone

by Proudmoore



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 14:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16683184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Proudmoore/pseuds/Proudmoore
Summary: It's part way through the Enterprise's five-year mission and Jim's resolve is starting to crumble.  Leonard's there to pick up the pieces and remind Jim of the meaning of family.





	Never Alone

Five years in space had sounded like a nightmare from the get go, and one year into the mission things hadn’t improved much. Leonard found himself growing increasingly stir-crazy, even with frequent stop-offs on various planets, and Jim was losing sight of the mission at hand.  All across the ship, people were becoming depressed, unfocused, and sluggish.  
  
None of it escaped either man’s notice. The CMO spent every day counselling crew members and prescribing medications to take the edge off.  The captain spent his days making announcements, flashing that pearly-white smile, and encouraging everyone to maintain morale. It was as exhausting as it was imperative to their mission’s success.  
  
One night, after a particularly long day, the captain and the doctor were curled up together on the sofa in the captain’s quarters.  Two half-empty tumblers of whiskey sat on the table before them and they were tangled in one another’s arms.  

Jim was particularly troubled.  It was no secret that Bones hated being in space the majority of the time, but Jim had done much to conceal his constantly growing distaste for the vast emptiness of the expanse between galaxies.  He couldn’t keep up the façade anymore, though; he needed an outlet or he was going to break.  
  
“Hey, Bones, can we talk?”  He asked, the whiskey fuelling his courage and the conviction that if anyone could help it was his lover.  
  
“Sure,” the doctor said lightly, not wanting to sound too eager lest he scare Jim off; he knew that something had been different about the other man recently and he’d been waiting for the right time and place to bring it up.  “What’s on your mind?”  
  
Jim hesitated, his eyes unfocused as he stared across the room, his head on Leonard’s shoulder.    
  
“Do you ever wonder why we’re here?”  He asked.  “I mean here, on the Enterprise, in the farthest reaches of the Delta quadrant.”  
  
“Because the Admiral said jump and we couldn’t wait to see just how high we could?”  Bones drawled sarcastically, immediately regretting his tone.  
  
Jim laughed weakly, and the doctor felt relieved.  
  
“I mean,” he started again.  “Do you ever feel lost?  I know Jocelyn left you with nothing back on Earth, but there’s even less up here.  Doesn’t that bother you?”  
  
Leonard looked thoughtful for a moment.  
  
“My family is here,” he replied.  “You’re what I have now, and as long as you’re here, so am I.”  
  
Jim smiled, sighing deeply as Leonard’s fingers ran up his arm, threading themselves into his hair.  
  
“It just feels like too much sometimes,” Jim continued.  “Like none of it means anything, and when it feels like that, I just feel so God damn alone up here.”  
  
Leonard wasn’t offended.  He knew exactly what Jim was trying to say, and to some degree he agreed.  The darkness and silence of space were so pervasive sometimes that it felt like they were seeping into him, threatening to tear him apart from the inside, but in those moments he just held onto Jim and tried to let his lover’s light be a beacon in the void.  
  
“You’re scared,” Bones said lightly; a statement, not a question.  
  
Jim laughed again, but the sound was hollow and forced.  Leonard could have sworn he’d heard the beginnings of a sob cloaked in the sound and he pulled away just enough to look into Jim’s haunted blue eyes.  
  
“Yeah, I am,” Jim answered.  “I’m terrified, Bones.  Of losing my ship, my crew, and you.  I couldn’t do this alone.”  
  
The doctor shifted around, pushing Jim up just enough that he could get himself out from under the captain to be able to see his face better.  Reaching out, he put a hand on Jim’s jawline, brushing the younger man’s cheek with his thumb.  He closed the distance between them, Jim’s shoulder pressing into his chest as Bones’ lips landed on his.  The kiss was soft, endearing, and full of promise.  It was chaste and didn’t last long, but if Jim felt even half of the affection and commitment imbued in the kiss that Bones did, then the doctor had done his job.  
  
“I’m not going to tell you not to be scared,” the older man said softly.  “That’s unfair and it’s not realistic; you’ve got every right to be scared, and I’d think there was something wrong with you if you weren’t.  But fear can be a powerful motivator.  It can push you to be better, smarter, faster, and stronger. Some people let it cloud their thinking and take them over, but not you.  Fear drives you, Jim.”  
  
The younger man turned the doctor’s words over in his head, scenes from the past few years playing out in his mind in snippets and all at once.  He sighed deeply, shakily considering all of the events he and the crew had lived through. Lots of horrible things had transpired, they’d lost many good men and women, none of them would ever be the same, and he felt like the burden of all of the crew’s sleepless nights and anxious days was on his shoulders.  
  
“What about them?”  Jim asked.  “The crew? I feel like I’m failing them.”  
  
“Are you kidding me?”  The doctor said gently.  “Every time I patch up an away team, all they can talk about is how you were the glue that held them together planet side.  Any time I pass Chekov in the hallways, he’s singing your praises. It doesn’t take a psychic to see that Sulu trust you implicitly.  Jim, I know you don’t feel confident lately, but it doesn’t show.  Your smile never wavers, your voice is sure, and your command is careful and thoughtful.  You’re the best damn captain Starfleet has.”  
  
Jim’s laugh was hollow.  
  
“If I feel alone, why shouldn’t all of them?” He sighed.  
  
“You’re not alone, Jim,” Bones said firmly, reaching out to take the captain’s face in his hand again, turning the other man’s head so he could meet Jim’s gaze.  “You’re  _never_  alone, and neither are they.  Like I said, we’re family.  You’ve got us, and we’ve got you.”  
  
Jim was quiet for a long time after that. Bones had let go of the captain’s face and he had begun to think the captain had fallen asleep against him when Jim spoke up again.  
  
“Thanks, Bones,” Jim murmured.  
  
The doctor smiled, pressing a kiss into the captain’s hair.  
  
“That’s what family’s for,” Leonard said softly.


End file.
